I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
