a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize