Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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