Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
