fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
