Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i think i just lost a toe
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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