I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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