last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
