I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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