dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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