her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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