so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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