hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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