It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
