Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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