Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
