someone get that fucking seahorse.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
