and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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