The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
