apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize