Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
did you just send me my own nude
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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