Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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