Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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