Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
