I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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