I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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