I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
