I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
