Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
