and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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