I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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