What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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