remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
