I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
