Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
