I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize