I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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