I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
