i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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