Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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