My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
