If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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