there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
