the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
