that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
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