So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
