so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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