closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
