the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
