I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
did i walk over a car last night?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
