Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
