When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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