she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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