Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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