you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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