Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
