; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
