Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
