I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
