Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
