i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
