i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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