I'm jealous of your bromance
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
