I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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